So what do we do? … A few suggestions
Some friends of mine have suggested that I write a post with some solutions to some of the issues that I am discussing here. I have given my suggestions throughout many of the previous writings, but I will collect them all here, Insha Allah.
As I have mentioned many times though, the first and foremost thing in my mind is to actually recognize the problems for what they actually are and be prepared to deal with them on a realistic level. We can’t solve the problems until we recognize that they actually exist.
Blacks in America are having many problems from a performance gap between them and other children in schools, moral and social problems, to a lack of paternal investment in their children. Even blacks from middle and upper-middle income backgrounds, while they score higher than low income background blacks, still score lower then even low income whites and Asians. When these people become Muslim, they bring many of these problems into Islam with them.
The greater Muslim community, lacking deeper knowledge of this, has in many cases made the problems worse by unintentionally feeding on the worse habits many of these particular converts may have. So if we do not recognize these things or deny they exist at all, then the rest of the discussion is essentially over.
Once we move away from the taboo of discussing group differences and how different groups react differently to the same message, we will see that it is no more a good idea to stress ascestism and tawakal to poor African-American Muslims than it is to stress hard work to work-a-holic Pakistani doctors
In my experience, self-criticism has become a taboo in the Muslim community. Of course the reason for all the black man’s problems is racism. Many African-American converts come into Islam with this ‘blame the white man’ mentality. This is very important because this mentality makes a very smooth transition into the “blame the kufaar” mentality that is in the general Muslim community.
On the flip side, the immigrant groups come from very strong family backgrounds and in many cases came here specifically because of their brains. I’d estimate that over 90% of Muslim doctors in
America are first generation immigrants or the children of immigrants, and these people place a lot of value on education, make more money, and have much more disposable income to place into their communities. This is why, outside of W. Deen Mohammed’s community, it is very rare to see an established and well organized Islamic school among African-American Muslims. This has to be recognized. I previously wrote:
For example, parents of different social classes often have different styles of childbearing, different ways of discipline and even different ways of reading to their children. Obviously these differences aren’t consistent or in every single family, but they influence the average tendencies of families from different social classes. And this is no different with the Muslims.
In other words, if an upper class family has a job where they are expected to collaborate with fellow employees, come up with new solutions to new problems, or wonder how to improve their contributions, they are more likely to talk to their children in ways that differ from the ways of the lower class parents whose jobs simply require them to follow instructions. So children that are raised by parents who are professionals or business owners will, on average, have more inquisitive attitudes toward any material presented by their teachers at school, than the children of working class parents. As a result of this, the academic achievement of the working class children will, on average, be less than that of middle and upper class children. Then combine that, in the context of African American Muslim children, with the fact that many have poorer health care, and a host of other problems we have already discussed that are all likely to have a palpable effect on them, and when all factors are combined, the differences become huge
So there is a massive gap with little in between. So after recognizing the problem, what do we do?
First, on an individual level:
If you are a young African-American Muslim, postpone marriage, work hard and get a degree or get trained in some other type of higher skill. This is taken for granted by immigrant groups for the most part, but African American converts specifically must be encouraged to push themselves, excel and finish school. Do not let anyone talk you into quitting school.
After graduating and getting a good job and becoming established in the community, you can then seek a suitable spouse that you have things in common with and with whom you share common goals. Be very discerning and ‘picky’. Many will tell you that it is blameworthy to be picky in this matter. Ignore them. This is dealing with the rest of your life and potential children and a wrong move could be disastrous. There is no ‘silver bullet’ but one must take as many of precautions as possible, Insha Allah within the bounds, and not rush to marry someone that they know little to nothing about. Study and know the skills your future spouse needs to be aware of in raising future children, insha Allah.
Since you will be a college graduate, Insha Allah, it would be wise to select another college graduate for the sake of not only compatibility, but teaching the children when they are young. Get marriage counseling BEFORE getting married. Learn what is expected from you and your prospective spouse. Make sure that the potential spouse knows and understands the struggle ahead and does not want to make the mistakes of the past. Try to make sure that that person is someone who realizes that you both will have to scrap, scratch and claw for everything that you achieve and that NOTHING will come easy. Make sure that person is someone that is determined to instill these values of hard work in your children. Until you find a person on the same page, I would say that it is better to postpone marriage until you find the right person because as they used to say: “I can do bad by myself”. Furthermore a stable home is a key to raising children.
When getting ready to have children, do as much reading as you can on child cognitive development and after the child is born, put much effort into teaching the children. Make sure they eat well and give them any other supplements that can support cognitive health.
Talk to your children and instill the value of hard work in them and let them know the challenges that they face ahead. Invest in their education, buy them books, computer programs and whatever else you have available to give them whatever advantage that you can possibly give them. Encourage them to make good grades – Not C’s, go to college, make more good grades, graduate, go to work and give back to the community. Not only that, but paint a not so rosy picture for them of the consequences of not working hard and what poor grades can do for one’s future. Teach them that if they have a setback, that they need to pick themselves up and not give up. Don’t ever give up.
Read to them, let them read to you, put them in summer reading and math programs so that they stay fresh and ahead of the curve, Insha Allah. Challenge them to think and talk about the stories you both read by considering counterfactuals and relation to other experiences. Give them the skills to develop and enrich their ability to explain, describe, and analyze. When you play with them, take them on interesting excursions and guide them in exploratory play.
Enroll the children in programs like MIST so that they can compete at a high level against other like-Muslim youth. Volunteer to be a mentor at your child’s Islamic school and participate in other programs. These programs are very important for developing the child’s personal skills. They could also join After-school and Summer programs such as Boy and Girl Scouts or sports groups at the masjid. If these things are not established, work with other like-minded individuals to establish them and once these things are established at your masjid/Islamic Center, donate and volunteer to keep it strong.
Establishment of these types of after-school programs are also important because children with broader experiences tend to do better academically. When they are reading a book, for example, they can more easily empathize with literary characters who share their experiences. This in turn enhances their incentive to read. Also by participating in these programs it develops a sense of social responsibility to the community and develops organizational skills and discipline that will make them more effective adults, Insha Allah.
When your child grows up, they will hopefully follow this same pattern in raising their children and encourage others to excel to high levels.
Needless to say there are those that are already on the above program. One of the sharpest African-American brothers I know, who is on the above program, and has a college educated wife was telling me that his wife is very attached to the school children at their children’s school and sees herself as sort of a ‘last line of defense’ for them because many of these children do not have a stable home, much less the rest of these things I listed. So she feels compelled to help them in whatever way she can.
And finally as an individual you have to donate to improve the Islamic Centers, schools, and other programs so that they can afford to hire qualified professional teachers and nurses, but develop curricula that not only develop literacy and Islamic values, but promote social and emotional growth.
The Community Level:
All of what I have mentioned above (paternal investment, stressing of hard work, etc) needs to be relentlessly encouraged and pushed from the minbar by the Imams and Community leaders. The community should be challenged to excel on all levels and help others to do so. The entire culture needs to transform into one of excellence.
The community as a whole needs to recognize that with the achievement gap between African-American children and children of other ethnicities, that these children will likely need more tutoring and mentoring because they live in the same bad neighborhoods with other blacks and are likely to be susceptible to the very same problems other black children face.
So I feel that these “at risk” Muslim children should have programs as well. However, the current situation is that these particular Muslim “at risk” children are even more ignored than their non-Muslim counterparts
Further, Black children, in general, get less critical thinking instruction than the children of other ethnic groups because at home they have fewer parents in professional fields, who, as I mentioned above, tend to instruct their children differently from those in working class. So whether it is background instruction in the home or in other social settings, the black children are being shorted many of the most key of ingredients to success.
Certainly, there are African-American Muslim children that are very intelligent, but I am speaking in general here.
Another idea is that programs could be developed that offer training in parenting skills that include nutrition, cognitive stimulation or instruction (i.e., reading to the child) and emotional support or nurturing with the main message being that good parenting skills are essential for maximizing a child’s intelligence. Perhaps there could even be a national campaign within the Islamic community that promotes these things similar to the anti-smoking and anti-drug campaigns that we have seen in the past. Similar programs are being done in the DC area though they do not yet touch on the more sensitive subjects. But it is a good start.
Develop and strengthen an After School program (see above)
Hopefully once people start to donate more money (see above) in the Islamic schools, they can begin to hire nurses that could stress the need of good nutrition for the children in the community via education programs while monitoring the students.
The community can not coddle the brothers. Level with them. Let them know that they will have to work extremely hard to achieve and that things will not be given to them.
Move away from the “back home” mentality and realize that
America is home. For too long, Muslims in this country saw themselves as surrogates whose primary mission here is to take advantage of the opportunities here to do as much “back home” as possible while almost completely ignoring the problems right in front of them. This makes for very ethnic masjids where a convert will feel very uncomfortable and isolated. Even if immigration from Muslim countries were halted, this would take generations to change. Short of that, it may never change, because you will have a constant and ever increasing supply of new immigrants bringing their old world mentalities to America and splitting America more and more into mini-communities, and Allah knows best. I would even go further to say that since many of the immigrants love ‘back home’ so much, they should be encouraged to go back there. That for another day.
Drop the pretentious culture. This would go far to allow people to be who they are and develop true and lasting friendships. My best friends are those who know me the best and where there is no pretentiousness. We are allowed to be human around each other.
Do not make people feel like things such as watching basketball and football are haraam and/or that one must be a constant student of knowledge at all times. We can be American and Muslim. We like hot dogs, baseball, and apple pies. There is nothing wrong with that, and the message that so many of us get (whether directly or indirectly) that everything is haraam drives converts away.
These are my suggestions. Much of the above relies upon us as individuals to get our acts together. Ultimately, the best way to get change this situation is to convince more parents-to-be that their children’s growth depends strongly on their own decisions and behaviors NOW – even if they are currently not married and have no children. One of the best things that we could do is to give them information and support their choosing the best decisions and behavior.
From there all you can do is try to talk about the importance of these things for your children with close friends, share tips and findings, and help out when you can
Filed under: Children's Issues, Convert Issues, Practical Solutions, Race, Sloganism over Reality
All of this is great and I wish someone had given me this advice 15 years ago.
Any suggestions for brothers that are already married, have children and are already in their late 30’s or early 40’s with little to no skills?
Salaamu Alaikum
Those are all excellent ideas I would also like to include an additional practical step that can be very helpfull in making these life changing choices. We need mentors/friends whatever you would like to call them. People you look up to and respect, now I am not talking about codeling brothers but I am talking about someone who can help a brother sort things out set tangible practical short term goals and have follow up sessions with the brother. It can be something a simple as a weekly phone call. Instead of talking about distant and problems in the Muslim world or gandiose plans for the ummah. Maybe we can start saying things like lets go over my goals for the week religious,financial, relationship, social, work ect. “Okay lets examine the situation we have a,b,c and d that are areas that we need to improve.” Mentor/Friend then provides realistic tangible attainable solutions that he is responsible for implimenting that week. Week two Mentor/Friend follows up “lets take a look at how you did.” The individual can see right there in front of his eyes where he did good and where he needs to improve. There is something motivating about being able to touch and feel the problems and then realizing there is light at the end of the tunnel. This doesn’t always have to be a one way street either both brothers may have mutual respect or strengths in one area the other doesn’t but by being accountable knowing that you will have to account for your week and setting tangible goals we can slowly start to build each other up. This is another type of muhasabah or self evaluation that we are all required to do and would In Sha Allah get us prepared for the final accounting when no one will be able to help the other and everone will be saying “myself!” “myself!”
This is a very wise post, and is applicable not just to African-Americans, but to Muslims of immigrant backgrounds as well.
Rasheed, although I am probably the personification of ineptitude and have little respect from people, even from my own wife I think it is a little late for me, a man in his 30’s to seek a ‘mentor’. The ones that need mentoring are my children so that they don’t make the same mistakes that I have in my life.
As salaamu ‘alaykum, Tariq.
I agree with much of what you wrote. I don’t really agree with some of the statements made at the end but these are not the point of this post, so I won’t quibble over them.
My initial response, however, would be: Isn’t this exactly the program of Imam Warith Deen’s community? At least that’s the way they talk, so if they’re already talking like this the question is — do you consider them successful? If not, then why not? What would you do different?
As salaamu ‘alaykum,
Just to make the point more clear: Imam WD (at the very least rhetorically) stresses family, education, economic development, and being ‘proud’ to be American and Muslim. Most of these are things that are stressed already as you’ve mentioned in immigrant Muslim homes. Immigrant Muslims are generally economically and socially successful…so I see why one would want the African American community to be so as well.
But the immigrant Muslim community is not, at least in my view, generally successful Islamically. While I don’t wish to resign anyone to poverty…I must ask what in your program would make the community one that is truly Islamically successful? I just ask that we keep this in mind as well, inshAllaah as we continue to develop a program.
Brother Ashamed asked “Any suggestions for brothers that are already married, have children and are already in their late 30’s or early 40’s with little to no skills?”
Its never too late to go back to school. especially community college. They’re not that expensive and you may be eligible for various grants or scholarships.
As far a children work to instill in them the love of reading.
a few points I would like to add to Bro Tariq’s suggestions would be to encourage your children to learn different languages first being Arabic. This would give them a better connection to the din and just knowing a second language would open them up to a whole new world. I would also encourage learning Spanish (for practical reasons in this country) but Arabic should be first.
And though ascetism may not be a pratical principle to start with directly but generousity has to be definitely instilled in the children. Which produces the balanced ascetism that is going to be needed as the children grow to be successful insha’Allah.
Also at a community level there should be continious and consistent courses going over the fard ayn and as well as achievement in dunya studies there should be children who are groomed to be scholars of din.
This will prevent any feeling of insecurity or inferiority in din.
Bro Abu Noor asked about W.D.’s community. At the few W.D. masjids I’ve been to they’re primarily older brothers there. It seems that they’re not reaching the younger generations. Also knowledge of din is not emphasized enough from my limited exposure with them. So you have people who have been muslim 30 years and can’t read the Quran.
As salaamu ‘alaykum MuhammadNur,
I agree with your observations about WD’s community (of course they are generalizations and there are many exceptions).
So, that gets to the heart of my point. The message of economic empowerment, education, and pro-American identity has not been able succeed in exciting or engaging the youth.
It is tremendously scary to think of the level of practice and engagement with the deen and Muslim institutions that one sees among the children of BlackAmericans who converted to Islam in WD’s community, just as it is equally scary to see the assimilation of the children of immigrants. Among the immigrants it seems there is a certain percentage that come to the deen very strong, many times even more so than their parents but the vast majority number wise become disconnected from Muslim belief and practice.
These problems are just as enormous as the social problems facing Blackamericans and we need to be careful that our solutions don’t aggravate some problems while solving others.
Allaah knows best.
Abu Noor:
wa alaykum as-salaam,
One of the things that I have found when talking about these things is that when one mentions things such as economic empowerment and/or education they take this automatically to mean the absence of deen. Economics and education IS from Islam.
Obviously it goes without saying that along with the above that one would pray, fast, pay zakaah, make hajj, etc. especially since I mentioned directly that one could volunteer with programs such as MIST or at the Islamic school to mentor.
As for the American identity, then what other identity is a convert to take? Trying to be a Saudi, a Pakistani, etc will not and has not worked. It will lead to confusion and possibly depression because one is living a double life. (Living and acting like an American at work and trying to adopt Arab/Pakistani etc culture at the masjid) …and I never mentioned ‘pride’.
And at the end of the day, many of the children of these “strong” Muslims also not only get disconnected from Muslim belief and practice but in some cases leave Islam entirely.
So many converts try to essentially be another nationality when they become Muslim as illustrated by this post. I have even known extreme cases where brothers speak in a foreign accent in an attempt to seperate themselves from who they are. That attitude helps nothing. In fact, I think it is harmful and Allah knows best
Finally, I will simply point out that, while there are many problems in every community, the only option for islamic schooling in most cities are from WD’s community or the immigrant community. Are there problems? yes. But that fact speaks volumes to me.
As salaamu ‘alaykum Tariq,
I’m afraid that as I was worried about, my points have been misunderstood as a criticism of Imam WD’s community. That was not my purpose. This is a communtiy with a decades long track record that seems to be based on many of the principles you’re advocating. I’m just asking you in that case is your suggestion that we all join and support Imam WD’s community? Or something different. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to try to start whole new communities if they are going to be based on the same framework as something which already exists. This in itself is a disease of the Muslim community in the inner city at least in Chicago for sure, is that we have 15 masajid each with very small communities and all unable to support themselves economically but they can’t join together because you have ‘imams’ who want to do their own thing rather than supporting already existing efforts.
I agree with your final point as well. In Chicago there is no realistic Islamic school alternative in the city itself. (unless you count Farrakhan’s school).
Oh, and as for adopting identity, I say all converts should adopt an Irish identity
No, really the issues about economics and education being “from Islam” and the whole idea of “American identity” are too complex to address in a comment. I don’t necessarily disagree with you, but I don’t think I agree with you either. I think we may be looking at things in a little different ways.
As someone who has spent my entire life in the United States, (except for a couple of brief trips to Canada) you’re not going to catch me claiming an American identity anytime soon. I am absolutely clear on what that means and its not something I choose to embrace.
Allaah knows best.
Abu Noor:
Ironically, it was only after I visited the Muslim world that I knew that I was an American.
I have thought about going to school, but when one really needs to have two jobs to make ends meet and has three children it is difficult. Abu Noor I would be interested in reading some of your ideas or solutions
Great post akh, lots of good advice. One of the most valuable pieces of info in here is on delaying marriage, we have too many Muslims who are getting pressured to get married when they are not ready and too many Muslims just getting married because they are horny without thinking about the long term consequences and commitment.
I think the delay in marriage depends on the situation. I’m not going to raise my children to delay marriage because Insha Allah I plan on them being knowledgable and mature enough to handle it in their early twenties or even late teens. I know of some good marriages where they got married in college . Again this takes maturity and being groomed to handle it.
But for converts or those who havent been raised to really think deeply about marriage than yes, they should delay, take some time to get to know the prospective spouse. And the advice on marriage couseling is so important. The problem is who is qualified to counsel. Most people go to Imams, but there are some shady Imams who in particular dont seem to advocate for women. So you see sisters end up marrying some horrible brothers because they didnt have someone to really advocate for them. You have to be careful about who you take your advice from.
Um Abdillah:
I agree that delaying would depend on the situation. I was mostly speaking about converts. It is mostly about being compatible and knowing the person you are marrying and knowing that they have the same goals.
Many of these shady Imams suggest themselves as a husband for the new sisters. I know of one that has been married around 30 times!
as-Salamu `alaykum
On early marriage: there are many Christian communities, including Mormons, where the youth marry very young, but still have very successful careers both in worldly domains and in religious service. It really dependes on the individual’s nature, preparation, and maturity level.
Tariq: you mentioned the point that has been my deepest wound since coming to America 22 years ago… There is always suspicion and aloofness among our local communities based on place of birth and parents’ religion (if any). Part of this is inevitable, Arabs together will speak in Arabic, Pakistanis in Urdhu, etc., and the American-born brothers feel left-out.
However, it does go much deeper, and I think that there is an element of price involved: If I am an Arab with many generations of linguistic and religious scholarship under my belt, I instinctively feel more knowledgeable than someone new to Islam. The new adherent, in return, feels superior because she or he actually accepted the faith, while I was just born in it, and I could have just as easily been a Christian or an atheist had my parents raised me as one. (The famous Hadith states that everyone is born on the proper fitra, but then the parents make him or her Jew or Christian).
In fact, there is so much that we can learn from one another. Those who have taken the basics of faith for granted, and occupied themselves with branches of branches of knowledge, can gain a great deal by reliving the new adherents’ journeys to faith. And the celebration must be a lot more than simply the cheap feeling of vindication (others converting to my faith is proof that I am right, now I can teach them more). It must be a way of sharing the journey and discovering our own faith anew.
The adoption of other cultures, Saudi, Pakistani, or otherwise, is another extremely valid point that you made. I have seen many college-age children of immigrants who didn’t adopt those cultures on purpose, but found it in their homes and masajid. They did develop double personalities, and a few of them came to my office to complain that they no longer know who they are. It has become a mantra that there can be no such thing as an American Islam, but that misses the important point that from its earliest days of expansion, the Islamic world had evolved many sub-cultures all of which were correctly Islamic.
If my child and yours are to be best friends and companions in Allah, they must have the same culture. If my sons can marry your daughters, they must feel a common heritage, not just what is to them an incomprehensible medieval theology that they both can regurgitate. We must be able to forge an American Muslim identity if only for those social reasons that form the nucleus of a society and ensure continuity of our community.
wa s-salam,
Mahmoud.
Great thoughts Dr. Mahmoud. I agree 100%
I wrote about the American Muslim Identity here
On the early marriage, the key is that the Mormons (and others) are prepared to take on those responsibilities whereas many of those who embrace Islam are not. Simply put, many converts get married simply desiring halal sex while disregarding the many other things that entail a marriage.
Not only are the converts pushed into getting married to someone they know little to nothing about, but they are also pushed to quit college as well.
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Excellent suggestions