Complete Stranger Marriages
Umm Adam’s latest post is exactly why I posted this one. (For background, most of this goes on with converts)
I know of some good Muslim convert marriages, but they all knew each other before the marriage.
I am sure that there are some complete stranger marriages that have worked out, but those are the few exceptions that prove the rule: Don’t marry a stranger!
In one of the most extreme examples that I have personally known, I had a friend that married a stranger and she ended up cutting his head off in a grizzly murder. Then I have known still others that marry people with serious mental problems. They find this out later in the marriage of course.
However, because of the culture of denial and pretentiousness, they not only can’t talk to anyone about it (”I think my husband/wife is crazy”, “We just aren’t compatible”) but have to maintain a facade that they are in a model marriage. Then the stress begins to take a toll on the person’s health.
Some have tried to come up with a list of questions (some of them pretty good) to ask marriage prospects with the hope of cutting off some of these problems, but the problem is that often, people memorize the correct answers to the questions and make themselves look like good prospect.
The more pretentious you are, the quicker you can get married. (”I want to study the deen in x country”, “I plan to make hijrah”, “I love Shaykh so and so”, “I’m upon the Sunnah”, “My concept of marriage is an Islamic one”, “I want my children to be scholars”, etc)
This is why it is not strange to find some men on the East Coast that have been married 15 times in a 5 year period. They know exactly what to say and have made getting married a hobby.
Then, there is a little something called compatibility. It may be that both sides are good people, but not good for each other. She has a strong personality, he has a reserved one. She is talkative, he is not. She has no sense of humor, he is a comedian. He likes to read, she doesn’t. She is a health nut, he eats unhealthy, etc.
This is why I strongly feel that one has to know something about who they are marrying beyond the resume items and this is what I tell single people who ask me.
Earlier this year I tried to advise a young new convert to finish his degree, be patient and delay marriage. However, I was the only one advising him of this as too many others were advising him to do the opposite. So he eventually quit school (with hopes of going overseas to study) and jumped headfirst into a complete stranger marriage. Within two weeks, he was having regrets.
So this is my advice to single converts: Don’t marry a stranger. They may even kill you.
Filed under: Black American Muslims, Children's Issues, The Culture of Denial and Pretense | Tagged: Stranger Marriage
Tariq, this is not merely a convert or stranger marriage thing (gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘Stranger Danger’). My friend is Labenese-Canadian. She met her Saudi husband in the University. They had an unacceptable relationshp before marriage. Shortly, after marriage he started abusing her (while pregnant). He recently kicked her out of Saudi and sent the kids to live with his brother. She now says she should have never married him in the first place because he honestly told her that he was not religious and didn’t pray. She was in love with him and married him anyway.
The brother who spat in the sisters face…well he needs a butt whooping!
It may not have been the case with your friend, but I still think that much of the problem in general is marrying a complete stranger.
Getting to know the person is certainly not a silver bullet that will lead to 100% happy marriages, but it is a common sense start
Yikes… :O
As the head of our local Islamic centre, my dad was ‘responsible’, in a way, for many marriages and was many womens’ Wali. One thing he always insisted upon was that the women ask LOTS of questions from the guys they were hoping to marry. He also required a ‘background check’ done on the guys, with lots of references, so that he got an idea of what his personality was like and therefore if he was compatible or not.
Unfortunately, when some women refused to take his advice and married a certain guy anyway, it was almost guaranteed that they ended up divorced less than a year later.
honestly, i think it’s qadr allah. the solution is not in dating your prospective spouse. tariq u know better than anyone about how pretentious ppl can be. i agree that there should e a ‘get to know u period’ of some halal dating. i like the way the gulf arabs do it. they have the nikah but do not consummate the marriage right away. this allows them to get to know each other better in a non pretentious type of way. please clarify what you are suggesting b4 u have ppl running out commiting zina cuz they took your words the wrong way.
Totally unrelated to this topic:
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20061213/mechanical_heart_061213/20061213?hub=TopStories
Quebec Man Given Mechanical Heart
I just thought you might find it interesting…
Piece of advice: stop using someone else’s history! If Muslims are going to be successful in this cultural paradigm then we’re gonna have to synthesize this whole issue of men/women/sex/marriage relationships. And most importantly, we gotta do it as to how it works for us.
The biggest problem is the issue of the Wali.
And I dont mean for the sisters.
Brothers need a representative for themselves as well, some one that when he/she says dont do it they step back.
But individualistic americans have all the answers and so…………
check this out on the topic of marriage
http://homeliving.blogspot.com/2006/12/caring-for-ones-husband.html
I guess it all depends on how you define a complete stranger? My wife and I never date, we never spent a minute alone before we got married. I can also say I knew her better before we married than I knew anyone else in my entire life.
We talked for thousands of hours, I have the long distance bills to prove it. We talked for hundreds of hours via Instant Message. We sent hundreds of e-mails, all saved and printed.
It is possible to get to know someone as competely as you can without cohabitating without doing haraam.
See, God has given us some great things to aid in the halal search of a spouse. The online matrimonial services can be a great example, keeping in mind there are nutters on these as well. But no one said you have to run out and marry the person.
My wife and I talked for at least five hours every day for the space of 6 months. We met, spent time together with her and the family, and then decided to get married. We could have done all of this and made the choice not to marry and nothave done haraam.
Dating doesnt work, neither does living together. If “getting to know each other” was the sole determination of whether a marriage would work one would think marriages in which the couple lived together would be more successful than those who didnt cohabitate beforehand, but studies have shown that when the couple lives together the marriages are actually LESS successful.
So whilst marrying a stranger isnt a good suggestion, neither is dating or cohabitation.
What is needed is some new ideas about how to make successful marriages. Dating, doing haraam is not an answer. We must move forward and try new things keeping God in mind always.
As to Gulf Arabs and “Halal dating,” being married to a Gulf Arab, I can tell you that often it is anything but “halal.” My wife, being from this society, knows all about how it works. Sure, the girl is a virgin, at least vaginally, but it is very common for the women to do anything and everything else. She might bleed on the wedding night, but she is little different than the average American girl, if not worse.
Getting a vaginal virgin in the Gulf states is hardly proof of anything. You can get that and she’ll still be the village sharmoota, and this is more often than not the case. Read any of the Khaliji blogs written by the younger people, and you’ll see it is the order of the day.
The divorce rate is roughly the same in Saudi Arabia as it is in the USA, more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
Again, the old ways are failing, we must try new things, but that doesnt mean following in the tracks of the West, which has clearly shown it is failing in this respect as well.
Again, it brings me back to what is so essential about Islam, and what is so often lost. The middle ground. No dating, “halal” or not, but no marrying strangers either. Something in the middle.
As-Salaamu ‘Alaykum,
I don’t think that the root of the problem is strangers marrying each other, rather this is a fruit of a larger tree which is simply not following the deen. Two people who do not know each other but have the intention to marry seeking to pleasure of Allah and safety from His punishment, as we should do in ANY act of life whether ‘ibaadah or mu’amalaat, would find themselves distant from these problems that you have mentioned. Likewise, two people who grew up together and whose families know each other could get married but without the above intention that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) guided us to and their marriage will be terrible.
Every person has a companion from the jinn assigned to them, as Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) said, “There is none amongst you except that there has been appointed to him a qareen (companion) from the jinn and a qareen from the angels.” They said, “And you also?” He said, “And me also, except that Allah has aided me against him and so he has submitted. He does not command me except with good.” And he (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) said, “Indeed Shaytaan flows in the son of Aadam like his blood.”
Along with this, he (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) said, “Iblees has placed his throne above the water (sea) and then he sends his detachments. The closest of them to him are those who cause the greatest trial. One of them comes back to him and says, ‘I did such and such.’ Shaytaan replies, ‘You have done nothing.’ Then another comes to him and says, ‘I did not leave him alone until I caused division between him and his wife.’” He (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) then said, “So Shaytaan brings him closer to himself and says: ‘You did well’.”
So whoever gets married, whether they are strangers or not, has to remember that their marriage will be either a proof for them or against them on Yawm al-Qiyaamah - which is what all of this is really all about.
A Day that will last for 50,000 years, when we will stand in front of Allah and when no one will be there to help us and there is no shade but His shade. A Day which is so harsh and terrifying that even a person would wish that they could sacrifice their spouse, their children, those who helped him and all that is on Earth so that they would be protected from the Hellfire. As Allah says, “Though they shall be made to see one another ( i.e. on the Day of Resurrection, there will be none but see his father, children and relatives, but he will neither speak to them nor will ask them for any help). The Mujrim, (criminal, sinner, disbeliever) would desire to ransom himself from the punishment of that Day by his children, and his wife and his brother, and his kindred who sheltered him, and all that are in the earth, so that it might save him. By no means! Verily, it will be the fire of Hell, taking away (burning completely) the head skin!” (70:11-16)
It is also said that a father will cling to his son on that Day and say to him, “O son! What kind of a father was I to you during your life?” The son will then speak verily highly and greatly of his father. The man will then say to his son, “My son! Verily, I am in need of just an atom’s weight of your good deeds. It might be that I am saved from what you are witnessing!” His son will then say to him, “I fear for myself the same thing that you fear for yourself! I do not have the luxury of giving you anything!” The man will then go and cling to his wife and say to her, “O such-and-such, what kind of a husband was I to you during your life?” The wife will then speak very highly and greatly of her husband. The man will then say to her, “I am asking you for just one good deed to donate to me. It might be that I am saved from what you are witnessing!” So, she will say, “I cannot do this! I fear for myself the same thing that you fear for yourself!”
Subhanallah, people will be in so much horror that they will want to ransom same wife they are so anxious to enjoy living with in this life to be saved from the punishment of Allah! May Allah protect us from the Hellfire and protect us from being from the Mujrimeen! And which one of us is bold enough to declare to Allah that we are not from the Mujrimeen after all of the disobedience we do to Him!? And even if we are not from the Mujrimeen we will still be in such a terrified state that we will not be willing to help our loved ones who are the closest to us. May Allah have mercy on us all and forgive us all.
I apologize for the long comment but I just want to emphasize that I believe the root of the problem is also what we must focus on and that is disobedience to Allah. The Salaf said, “Have one concern only: the concern of meeting Allah, that of standing in front of Him, that of the Hereafter” And it was also said, “O brothers and sisters! Prepare for a day like this with righteous and good actions! Prepare by abandoning sins and acts of disobedience, for you will very soon witness the Day of Resurrection first-hand and you will regret every second that passed of your life! And know that as soon as you die, then your Judgement Day begins! So, it is upon you - O possessor of intelligence - to have patience upon the hardships of a life of obedience to Allah - the Exalted - in order that you may lighten the hardships of the Day of Resurrection, and Allah is the One who Guides.”
And Allah knows best. May Allah forgive us all and guide us to the Straight Path.
P.S. - Jazakallahu khayran Br Tariq I always enjoy reading your blog.
Mr. Yusuf,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You said it ALL brother. May Allah have mercy on ALL our souls…………….
(Yes, I am Abu Sinan’s wife)
Nothing is a guarantee of a happy marriage of course, but Tariq makes an excellent point. The enthusiasm for getting married just to have sex leads to way too much heartache and distress.
And the community leaders don’t help. I must disagree that having a wali helps in this respect. There aren’t that many good walis, period. And what are they going to do, help you figure out who you’re compatible with? People who are old enough to get married must know what they are looking for. No one else is going to tell them. And I’ve rarely (actually never) heard of a wali/community leader who held a *man* accountable for domestic abuse.
When we have community leaders who earn respect and obedience, we can talk of such things. I know I’d obey my shaikh, but I don’t see people like that here. I certainly don’t come across older MEN who have empathy with women, so why would I bother with a wali? I’d rather take care of myself and marry a guy who listen to me.
I’m sick of hearing stories from convert women who are bullied into marrying the pizza delivery guy. “Hurry up and complete you deen, what if you die tomorrow?” And then they discover he’s a jerk and a jackass who wanted a green card.
Sisters should choose Walis as carefully as they choose a spouse. They need to really feel confidant that the Wali knows them and their personality, history, likes and dislikes. With that, if the wali finds someone suitable, he can do the needed background checks (which is very much neglected) and only present something to her that he is confident in.
Background checks are much needed. We have so many resources to do so. If the brother is in the community for a long time it is even easier, if he lived elsewhere, contact them. We just cant assume out of good opinion that a brother is not going to “sex-up” his dossier on himself and Din.
What often happens is that you get two people, the brother and sister that really want and need to get married, so even if there are unanswered questions and some reservations, it gets swept under the rug in the hope that those things are all minor.
Sisters as a whole need to raise their standards regarding who they marry. If that happens on a wide scale, it would help in sending a wake up call for brothers to step up and be better men and Muslims.
“She is Muslim, you are Muslim…bismillah”. No more for me. I refuse to enter another marriage totally blind.
If you can give a good lecture, you’ll get 2-3 proposals on the spot
UMMADAM YOUR FRIEND MARRIED A SAUDI, ITS HER FAULT, SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER.
I think what Br. Tariq is trying to say and I could be wrong is that we don’t know enough about our prospective spouses before we marry them. For instance, I know many sisters who have gotten married weeks after meeting a brother. Most of these sisters are converts and don’t have fathers or close family members to act as Wali’s so they end up with a Wali who’s friends with the brother (HORRIBLE IDEA) who of course only has good things to say about the brother. Next thing you know, they see the brother’s true side and it’s all down hill from there
On the flip side, there are plenty of Muslims who were born into Islam and they will have their parents find or interview the prospective spouse for them. If the parents approve then the kids end up getting married because they have their parents seal of approval as if that’s all it takes to have a lasting marriage. It’s helpful to have your parents assisting you, however, parents lie about their kids all the time to make them look good. Unless the prospective spouses actually sit and talk to each other, how will they know if they’re compatible? All my parents cared about when looking for a wife for my brother is if the girl is cute, has a nice figure, has a good job and they get along with their parents. Okay, that’s all fine and dandy but what about my brother’s needs.
I dont see how people can discount a wali. A wali should be a trusted advisor, it doesnt have to be the Imam, it could be a good friends husband. The point is, that you should not enter into a marriage with out wise counsel and that is the problem now a days. We think we know everything and dont realize that our elders and all ready married folks have a wealth of knowledge. I have seen more than one marriage disaster because the girl did not take her parents or elders advice.
Secondly as brother Yusufs posts explains we dont treat getting married as the huge religious responsbility it is. I dont know if you ever read this essay by Sidi Faraz Rabbanni but hits the nail on the head.
http://www.islamicamagazine.com/issue-16/is-marriage-sinful.html
Seriuosly if you not going to treat getting married and the huge religious and social responsibility it is, dont do it. A bad marriage not only damges the couple but the children and extend family.
Wacky Paki: OMG, I can’t believe people with chidren take getting married so lightly. I seriously think most people do not truly care about their kids. They are just caught up in their nafs and could care less what effect their bad decisions have on their kids.
so what’s the acceptable form of “getting to know each other” before marriage?
The acceptable way, I believe, that is first and foremost pleasing to Allah is to be around family. There is nothing wrong, if you are in the same area of course, where both can meet at the home of the families. Even going out together with other family members (aka….sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, mom and dad etc. ) is okay. If you are living in a different area, telephone calls and definately e-mails as well but emails alone is also okay if finances are a problem. The whole idea is NOT to be alone together so that the “Shaytan” doesn’t come in between the two of you and drive you to committ haram. Although, I believe, the “Shaytan” can come anywhere anytime really, the key is to be strong enough and wise and avoid the situations where you know trouble might happen. After all, isn’t this the whole idea/concept behind our entire life on this earth; not to follow temptations etc.? Doing things right is ALWAYS hard but the outcome is ALWAYS worth it. One must always keep in mind, what begins right will always end right, what begins wrong will always end wrong and with A LOT of heartache to go along with it. Subhan’Allah but when one asks Allah to guide him/her to the right path and truely means it from their heart, Allah does guide them. And last but not least, something my mother used to always tell me, you will never ever get to know someone until you live with them period. So either way, one can take years and years to know someone using the methods as mentioned above and yet if they hav e never lived with them, still they do not know them very well. Marriage is sort of a gamble (if that is the right term to use) but then so is everything in life. You have to have faith in Allah that only HE will choose the best for you. And one must follow their instincts and watch for ALL the red flags. And Subhan’Allah, when something is right and coming from Allah, it goes by smoothly without any problems what so ever. That is why as Muslims, we should always seek the “Istikhara” if we are unable to make a decision on any given situation. I hope I answered the question as to “What is acceptable for getting to know each other befor marriage”? And this is only my opinion and belief for some may not agree with me and that is fine.
I dont think Bro. Tariq is talking about dating in the western sense. I imagine he means that the people knew each other through the community or school or what not. Lots of people who went to college or highschool together get married. But for those who dont have a large pool of Muslims imediately available, I do think the internet either matrimonial sites or just networking with people you know online. And then have tha person spend time with you and your family and friends. Talk to that persons family and friends.
I think people are just jumping into marriages based on fantasy and romaticism. And that is bad whether you have known the person a month or ten years.
Wow-this post resonated with me in so many ways! This is why I enjoy this blog. In my first marriage-I got married quickly because I didn’t want to sin-I wanted to do “what’s right” instead of just checkin’ my nafs at the door. And that ended in a complete diasaster. In fact that brother acts more like an unbeliever than most unbelievers I know!
With my second marriage (after I did some soul-searching and got MYSELF right with Allah-a 5 year gap) I did meet my husband over the internet and we corresponded in long letters online and over the phone and we met a few times but there was always a third party present-and Alhamdudillah I have never been happier!(we married after a year)But the key to that is that I specifically made it my intention to marry for the sake of Allah’s happiness and not just mine. I asked Allah to guide me towards someone who would make me stronger in my deen and shared my ideas of family. Your niyya has to be right or the situation is not going to be!
Muneera wrote:
[quote]Your niyya has to be right or the situation is not going to be![/quote]
Beautiful said, sister. And I don’t think Tariq hints in his post western’s “dating”.
Farooq said “If you can give a good lecture, you’ll get 2-3 proposals on the spot.”
Not true. I know.
Salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah.
Tariq and UmmAdam, good post.
I only got lucky because I was introduced to my wife through a trusted friend in the community, when I told him I’d only consider marriage if he knew someone trustworthy, someone who knew the same folks I know so she wouldnn’t feel comfortable taking advantage of me and wouldn’t need to fear treachery from me, either. I was afraid to marry otherwise because I knew Muslims in the US had high divorce rates, and I knew Muslims were subject to every negative influence from here AND from their home countries. Seemed the positive influences from each side were discarded. But from my jahili days in the US, I had learned the game between men and women, and I know how vicious it can be. Even in the Muslim community, the game is vicious as people plot and manuever to get the spouse they can show off, plot to escape poverty, plot to avoid spouses that would point them to the straight and narrow.
Despite my good fortune, keeping a wife happy is hard work. I know why my father runs the house with a fair but firm style. He makes decisions, and if my mom makes one, she’s held responsible for it .
as-salaamu ‘alaikum,
Brother Tariq, you have once again written an article that good for Muslims, jazak’allah kheir. This is an excellent effort and you touched on a subject that I have been thinking about intensely, also for personal reasons, so thank you. I may reference this article at a later time.
Asalaam alaikum,
WOW….seems like this is one of the many ‘hot’ topics in the community. Muslim Apple also talked about the new muslimah convert and her search not only for a husband but for a WALI. I had known my husband for 9 months before we got married. Yes we found each other in the dunya but upon takin my shahada I totally ‘kept it halal’. We were limited to the phone and emails. Face to face meetings were always shaperoned. It helped me see that he was willing to respect my decsions and ISLAM and masha~allah we’ve been married for 5 years.
Great topick brother Tariq.
Ma salaama
Ummie
I’m coming up on 15 years married to my spouse, Alhamdulillah, and I think that is my greatest accomplishment in the world. If you have a good one, remind him/her of this, re-affirm it on a regular basis, show you admiration and appreciation, and above all, avoid mind games. May Allah bless our marriages and keep us on the straight path.
Ok. Great points. But I am going to take this discussion one step further.
I am an American uni professor in Qatar and find myself frequently discussing the whole marriage issue with students who are about to walk into arranged marriages (which basically amount to stranger marriages here in the Gulf). And btw, a period of “halal dating” that someone else referred to is not typical here. Regardless of consummation, once the nikah is signed to break things off requires divorce and no young woman wants to risk that so generally she lets herself be rushed into the conummated and publicly announced marriage. It is viewed better to just have everyone take their chances and make whatever sacrifices are necessary. I know very few Qatari girls who have been allowed to even be alone with their husband before the public party is held, which is immediately followed by the wedding night and honeymoon.
Usually the guys and their families are the ones who want to push for the quick marriage — quite often before either have completed their degrees and secured employment. This is largely due to the fact that they are looking at marriage as the antidote for haraam sexual activity which to some degree is simply a normal byproduct of healthy hormonal development. In fact, if you accept the idea that self-pleasure is haraam also then what alternative is there. I realize that some scholars say that while frequent masturbation should be avoided, it may be acceptable if it prevents greater haraam (such as zina). Sadly, the students that I see affected most negatively by this rush to marry a stranger are the ones who are in their own way trying to adhere most faithfully to their religion.
PM, are many of the arranged marriages with cousins in Qatar? These arranged marriages are a little better than the stranger marriages that take place here in the US because they know a little something about the family and at least a little background knowledge of the person. Stranger marriages often don’t have even that.
Yes, I would say that a fair amount of these marriages are with cousins (maybe half) , however that hasn’t prevented the divorce rate here from escalating to the 50%mark.
First time to your blog, Tariq. Very interesting read!
this is such an important issue…. i live in the d.c. metro, there are so many green card marriages. in this area the “brothers” are actively pursuing virgins and then dumping them within a few months of marriage. some of the girls are abused physically and possibly raped, but all are emtionally scared. it’s a shame. marriage is 50% of the deen, but who is it safe to marry? there are so many abusers out there some of whom just want an american for obvious reasons. i fault the imams in this area because they don’t really investigate the “brother” but they do investigate the women; as no one wants used goods or baggage (kids).
i agree with you totally about stranger marrage , many stories like this in New York, but one time i introduced an arab divorced sister to another brother from her own country to avoid cultural difference. i advised her to know him better and ask questions, after 24 hours from the meeting they were married in an islamic center? i was shocked when i heard it. of course regrets came fast. i guess we need a manual for all the sisters and brothers, so they can know what is the risks involved.
Assalam alaikum Abu Sinan,
You said you talked with your wife before marriage for 1000 of hours (or five hours everyday)! Do you mean before Nikah? I wonder what did you talk, is it all formal? Otherwise, what’s the different between phone dating and face-to-face dating?
Also, I don’t know what do you mean by “halal dating” of Gulf Arab, if you mean they do Nikah first then allow the couple to get to know each other before consumation, then it’s halal, regardless whether it’s a good idea or not. So, I don’t get what you meant but halal dating and then you said “anything but halal.”
Just want to clarify.
Thanks.
[...] Divorce rates …amongst Muslims. Complete Stranger Marriage hasn’t been all it’s cracked up to be. Even after being “knowing” someone [...]
Assalamualaikum
I thought it was compulsory to have a walee?
it is important to have a good walee, and br.s who are walees need to take that role very seriously.
i got married really quick, 2 meetings and approx 2/3 weeks later we were married. i did not rush into it. i did istikara my brother in law interviewed the br. he was refrred by someone else we knew. my brothers and brother in law checked out certificates of qualifications and deeds etc.
i met his family on the day of my nikah due to travel arrangments etc. we had been looking for someone for a number of years. i was not head over heels or anything like that. i made loads of dua and was at the time reading 2 books which i feel helped me put my trust in Allaah swt completely. i kept thinking if this is not good for me it won’t happen. and even if it ends in divorce afterwards then it was meant to be. i asked him only 1 question, to which he cracked a joke. But i listened to my br. in law interview him totally from somewhere he couldn’t see me. i was totally practicle in my thinking about it. all of my family agreed and were happy or content about it. i had asked several sr.s advice before and a few gave me good advice on my wedding day. also i read as many marriage books as i could and a br. also gave my husband some books about marriage too. so alhunmduillilah it was researched. why would we not research such an important thing? thats 1 thing i am surprised at, if we have to study we go out of our way to research and get the grades but when it comes to marriage why don’t we see what the rights of our spouse are? and then try our best to implement them. and also how to win the heart of our spouse. theres a couple of books called winning the heart of your wife/ husband intersting stuff.
i have friends who got married months after meeting someone that their family approved of and who then ended up divorced within a month and another within a few weeks. i have members of my family who have also been divorced.
We have to rememebr divorce is allowed, but shouldn’t be taken lightly.
the companions also divorced, but the difference between then and now is that women were not stigmatised or left to rot. there were no spinsters or divorcees left to struggle becauswe they knew marriage is about companionship as well as children.
It is all a blessing from Allaah swt and i should thank Him that it turned out alhumdullilah well. after reading this and the umar lee articles i guess my eyes have opened to me taking things for granted.
all my siblings married quick after the initial meeting like 2/ 3 weeks due to ppl needing to travel and alhumdullilah things have turned out well, that is a blessing from Allaah swt. but non of us knew our spouses prior to that and non of us married within the family etc.
but i just wanted to say it doesn’t matter how long you know someone divorce can happen even between cousin marraiges, QadarAllaah.
The wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I do not find any fault with Thaabit ibn Qays in his character or his religious commitment, but I do not want to commit any act of kufr after becoming a Muslim.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, “Will you give back his garden?” Because he had given her a garden as her mahr. She said, “Yes.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Thaabit: “Take back your garden, and divorce her.”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5273).
there are probs everywherer even in the gulf countries esp with some ppl becoming materialistic and unrealistic and so ppl can’t afford to get married and would rather try to marry someone from abroad.
i think its important to ask your self why do u want to get married?
what is your goal.
a sr. once told me that its a good idea to ask the br. what does he do on a regular basis? does he read quran everyday? go to the masjid etc of course he could lie and that will be his sin, but its a good idea to be realistic about the whole thing.
i know many sr.s converts/ reverts married to arabs, masha’Allaah and alhumdullilah things worked out well. one thing i can see though with these sr.s is that they either had really good walees or they came from strong family’s where even if the father was a christian the brother still got his approval to marry their muslim daughter who had converted to islam. Also they all married br.s who were either educated or in the process of educating themselves.
anyway
pray for the best
wasalam
of course divorce can happen after a short time or after a long time only Allaah swt knows. but we try to do our best and have our ups and downs and try to have good muslims around u rather than ppl who will tell u about their spouse so that u feel like comparing thats a really bad thing to do and can cause a lot of probs. keep it to yourself. you have what is best for u at the time and others have what is best for them
Allaahhualim.
sorry about the v.v long post i was going to edit it but can’t!
wasalam
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