Alarming Divorce rates
…amongst Muslims. Complete Stranger Marriage hasn’t been all it’s cracked up to be. Even after being “knowing” someone for two years they still find that they have married a complete stranger often because they have had a bunch of pretentious conversations that fit the mold.
When Ambreen and Amr married in 2003, they were young and in love. Despite them living on opposite ends of the state, Ambreen and Amr experienced obvious chemistry that propelled them to marry after being acquainted for two years.
After the wedding, Ambreen moved from her home leaving behind her family and close friends. The relocation was difficult for Ambreen, who spent long hours alone while Amr looked for steady work. She sought solace in her new husband, but Amr seemed more interested in staying out of the house, saying that he was going to do whatever he wanted to do. Surprised by his immaturity, Ambreen kept quiet and hoped things would change. When her parents called worried about her depressed state, she reassured them that all was well.
After a few months, the problem only seemed to get worse. Their financial situation did not help. The last straw came when Ambreen’s in-laws appeared to be rooting for the marriage to fail, claiming that Ambreen was not living up to her wifely duties. Finally, at the end of the tumultuous first year, Ambreen confided in her family. Her parents thought they could help, but the damage had already run its course. Within two years, Ambreen and Amr had divorced.
Two years is a long time these days. I’ve seen marriages fall apart and end in divorce within a week.
According to a study conducted by Dr. Ilyas Ba-Yunus, a sociology professor at State University of New York, the overall divorce rate among Muslims in North America is at an astounding 31%. The state of California ranks highest with a 37% rate of divorce and New York, Ontario, and Texas follow closely with a 30% rate. Compared to the overall rate of divorce in the U.S. (49%) and Canada (45%), the increasing rate of divorce among Muslims is cause for alarm
I’d like to know the number amongst converts. It is probably around 60%.
Drs. Mohamed Rida and Ekram Beshir, co-authors of the books Blissful Marriage and Meeting the Challenge of Parenting in the West point to several reasons for divorce. Among them are non-compatibility between spouses due to differences in background, and mistakenly judging the marriage by the first years, which are the toughest and most critical. Overall, the Beshirs attribute carelessness as the most critical mistake in marriages today.
“We live in a culture of boyfriends and girlfriends, and youth want that kind of relationship so bad they ask to marry. They think they’re ready for marriage, but really they are seeing it as a replacement for the no-dating rule in Islam. Marriage comes with more obligation than this,” Dr. Ekram explained at a recent Muslim American Society (MAS) Family Development workshop in Sacramento.
[...]
Looking back, Ambreen, now in her mid-20s, faults herself for not checking into Amr’s background before committing to the marriage. “When you fall in love, you sweep things under the rug because you convince yourself it’ll be better. Plus it was a long distance relationship, so we just looked forward to living together,” she said. “We both had different expectations in marriage—expectations based on surface things—and both of us were extremely disappointed,” Ambreen added.
Another thing that I have found is that even in friendships, we can be so pretentious with one another that we really don’t even know our “friends” either (and they don’t know us). A person, in many cases, has another side of his/her life (and personality) where they are watching/playing sports, has hobbies and other things that they enjoy doing but do not share even with their so called “close friends”. How is it that you only know the most superficial things about your “best friend”?
How much more so do people hide entire sections of their personality when it comes to marriage? People are not real with one another in these “sit downs” and give all the “correct” answers to the shallow questions.
Ambreen said that divorce has been the most difficult and painful process, compounded by little to no support from the Muslim community. She sought counseling from imams, but they did not help. “I couldn’t count on anyone to talk to. I found several Christian support groups, but no Muslim ones. We don’t want to air dirty laundry, but it’s hurting us in the long run,” Ambreen said.
Dr. Mohamed Beshir agreed. “We have a terrible need for human resources. If someone is successful at this, they wouldn’t be able to keep up with the demand.”
[...]
The next time around, Ambreen insists that she knows everything about her fiancé. “I would need to know the guy’s family, how he interacts with them and his friends. I want to talk to his friends and find out about him through them. I want to find out his habits and such, and what he thinks about divorce, counseling, and how he deals with problems. I would do my homework,” she said.
UPDATE: Forgot to add the link to the article click here for entire article here
Filed under: Muslim Isolation, The Culture of Denial and Pretense
So it’s hard to find a nice Muslim guy. Heck, it’s hard to find a nice, sane, careing guy, of any religion!
What age is appropriate to get married?
Avocado – there are good men all around us – the problem is the majority are not as handsome as we like, don’t have six packs (take him to the gym), or are wealthy (teach him properly manage his money and eliminate the luxuries). There’s an old saying, “like souls attract each other,” which I take to mean we can expect our man to be A, B, and C when we are not able to bring the same to the table and vice versa.
Unfortunately I don’t find it alarming. Most of us are still living on fantasy Island when it comes to marriage due to the storybooks we’ve read growing up or the movies we watch on a regular basis. Marriage is hard work; couples that have been married for years will confirm this. Masjids should offer mandatory premarital counseling to couples. I’ve witnessed the two sides of Muslims too many times during my work at an area masjid. Inside the building the brothers hold their heads down, occasionally return the salaams of a sister. Outside, these same men are like a pack of wolves. NOTE: sit back and observe.
I tell sisters all the time - when so and so presents this good man to you, if you are a convert like myself, keep your non-Muslim family involved. If a brother says no, he doesn’t want to meet your nonMuslim father/uncle/brother – RUN! Do not be too shy to ask your wali or the imam, would he marry his sister or daughter to this man he’s shoving down your face - pay attention to his body language and facial expression. If this brother not known, at least by the imam in his community – RUN! Look for folks who actually know him (shared the same home and meals). Yes, marriage is half our deen, but we must use common sense and patience (meaning get your hormones in check and use your single time to get yourself in order mentally, spiritually, financially, physically…) Talk to the ex-wife/husband and find out why the marriage failed, as well as family and friends. Find out why this person wants to marry YOU, or will any (wo)man do?
Part of me has to blame the women because we are good at losing ourselves when it comes to men. Too many times I’ve seen sisters ask how to be (and transform into) a good Pakistani, Arab, black… wife to my Pakistani, Arab, black… husband. So we become honorary whatever he is, and we aren’t happy because we failed to realize if he wanted a sister from a similar background that’s what he would have chosen. We enter into polygamous relationships although we know that we are not emotionally equipped to handle such situations…I been told too often to fear Allah because I have no problem saying that it’s a lifestyle I cannot handle (basically SOME sisters are using peer pressure to get others to accept it).. . point is sister be yourself. Change is good, when it’s in the form of personal and spiritual growth, not when you are pretending to be that which you aren’t.
Why do you think the percentage is higher among converts? Because they don’t have the social pressure to stay together that immigrant families have?
where is this article from? There is no link
Sorry, I forgot to add the link. It is above and here
Good topic brother, i know of several failed marriages because the long telephone conversations are mostly meaningless and pretentious. A brother thinks a good muslim wife will be obedient and submissive, some sisters will sweep under the carpet any defects he has in the hope he will change once they are married. I think whether you have a successful or failed marriage ultimately comes down to how deep and honest you are with yourself in choosing a partner and giving enough thought to your needs and achievements out of the marriage and sticking to it.
I couldn’t be pretentious if it would saved my life! I’ve always been one big open book. I mean I guess I may have a bone or two buried somewhere in my closet…
first of all we need to stop looking for the statistics on “coverts” and “immigrant muslims”…we sit there and talk about all the negativity we get from each other and still we want to label ourselves and be seperated. We are muslims and yes WE muslims have a problem with divorce whether you are a convert or born muslim. i do agree however that it does have alot to with a persons background, i also think that it has to do with the level of maturity of those two people as well. i know of many marriages that were based off of pretentiousness…but you have to ask yourselves did they even consult with their lord in this matter? i had a few friends that thier marriages had ended very badly but when i asked if they did any backgorund checks on them theysimply stated no and said they trusted their…”HEART”… thats what happens when you don’t trust in allah. i had mentioned to someone that they should make istikhara once before they married…they told me why should they? they felt that they knew what they wanted and what they wanted was that man…yeah well he ended up giving her aids and beating her behind too. so i guess she too went with her heart. you can’t baby some people. these are grown adults that when given good advice from their respected elders they turn it down. so how much more so for you and i? they are pretentious cause they have something to hide most of the time…like a another wife and family hidden some where or he or she had the wrong intention to begin with. how many stories have we heard of young muslim girls being married to men only for these men to divorce them after they took their virginity? because it was somewhat of a fling for these men. Our sistuation now a days only sickens me. to see that so many people would love to get married because they have the same dawah tapes or they are on the same manhaj trip…really makes me wonder what our children will be faced with if this is what we are facing in our generation…Like i said before these are GROWN ADULTS…not young children that don’t know about our lifestyle there in america. most of these people been there done that and then when its time to get married they act like they havent a clue.
When I got married, my father in law called the imam of my masjid as well as some of my acquaintances and asked them about me and my character.
This attitude of immaturity as in this case with “Amr” is unfortunately something very common with the children of immigrants, particularly those who have been, how shall we say… spoiled rotten.
Also, as for the length of the marriage, its rare that youll see a pakistani/indian couple get divorced in just a few weeks. Usually theyll stick it out for at least a yr or two because there is tremendous social/cultural stigma attached to being divorced.
I have a friend who married a new convert and shortly thereafter she became wishywashy on her islam and things fell through for obvious reasons. Now, nobody wants to marry their daughters to him at all because he has the “divorce” stigma. This is in spite of the fact, he’s mature, very responsible, financially stable, and a good practicing Muslim.
Although the divorce rate for AA converts is very alarming, it’s easier for AA converts to re-marry than Desi’s who have been divorced because of the cultural stigma as IslamicSciences mentioned above. I was married for 7 years and have only been with ONE man in my entire life. However, being a divorced Desi AND one with kids AND from an AA has really narrowed my prospects from very slim to no chance in the world. I am considered a reject and probably couldn’t get married unless the brother needed a green card or was 25 years older than me. That sucks!
[...] of hustle and bustle, the family unit is becoming fragile by the day. Divorces are on the rise (see this entry on Tariq’s blog), and Muslims can no longer claim, as justifiably as before, that divorce is rare among Muslims or [...]
With all due respect to honorable and descent Muslim men, a great deal of the problems in Muslim marriages are because most men keep the “obedient wife” idea constantly in their minds, seriously ignoring the “dutiful husband” role almost completely. Many men simply do not understand their role as husband and father in Islam. Many believe that they are “above” the woman they marry, treating the wife as if a she is “beneath” them, subject to them and sometimes even as if she is a criminal who has not been arrested yet. There is nothing in Quran and Hadith that supports this, but unfortunately this behavior permeates throughout the entire Muslim world. As long as the subjection of women continues, problems in marriage will exist. Love and harmony can not grow in a prison. This has been my personal experience and observations, and the same for many acquaintances. Alhamdolillah, I have been married for over 25 years. When I married, my husband and I had a good understanding of the duties and rights of husband and wife, and I had an understanding of myself when I married for the second time. My husband understood I was an adult, educated person, with strong preferences and dislikes. These were the things that attracted him to me. My husband also did not expect me to change my personality, likes and dislikes simply because I was going to be his wife. I did not expect him to change his ways either. Along the way, despite many bumps in the road, we became complimentary to one another and became better human beings. We have tried to live our lives the way our Beloved Prophet did, being kind and considerate of one another, never assuming that either of us are above criticism. When women are viewed as property, servants, and/or insubordinates by husbands and they are in fact valued citizens, loved daughters and sisters, positive contributors to society there will be conflicts that generally lead to divorce.
I failed to comment that many marriages are not really based on getting married, but with all apologies for being vulgar — based on geting laid.
As an older woman, I feel I have to be frank.
Many marriages in the US are not registered. Very few people honestly approach marriage with hopes that it will last. Many people have two different names, other wives, other children and a lot of history when the marry. Very few Muslim communities offer pre-marital counseling services for potential married couples, individually or as as a couple. Often a woman is expected to “dumb down” her mahr, her expectations and her personal needs. Often men make promises to their future brides with no intention of keeping them, but become angry or bitter when the wife expect him to keep his word. Far too often, women are encouraged to not be demanding, to accept little, and made to feel bad if they want a descent standard of living and so often reminded of her husband’s rights over her. I have even heard in conversations that one should not show too much affection for wife. On another occasion, a very kind husband with 5 children under 8 was told by a companion he should start thinking of getting a second wife because his first wife was no longer “fresh”. And the question is why is our divorce rate so high.
In reality most Muslim women are in fact oppressed. Be honest and look at the lives of women throughout the Muslim world. Read the newspapers throughout the Muslim world with regard to women. Look at how our brothers and sisters actually live and treat one another and tell me that this is how the Prophet lived with his family. We do not want to admit it, but it is true. And so this problem has become the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about.
All praise is for Allah who gave me loving and caring parents, an intelligent, caring husband, and coming to Islam as a young woman in a community that advocated women’s rights, responsible men and service to the Ummah.
[...] of hustle and bustle, the family unit is becoming fragile by the day. Divorces are on the rise (see this entry on Tariq’s blog), and Muslims can no longer claim, as justifiably as before, that divorce is rare among Muslims or [...]
I definitely agree that one of the most biggest issues is that women are oppressed in marriage. Many men do expect something close to a servant even if they claim otherwise. Also women that complain about their husbands are often chastised. In America oppressed women can divorce but in many Muslim nations they cannot. So I think that these high divorce rates might shed light on what women have to often go through.
[...] involved in your local Muslim community, yet on your blog, you often bring up sensitive issues like divorce rates among Muslims and the relationship between immigrant and African American Muslims. Do you get a lot of criticism? [...]
As-Salamu Alaykum, Brothers and Sisters: Sr. Hedaya Hartford has written an excellent book on the topic of marriage called “Islamic Marriage” that is available from http://www.thetraditionalpath.com besides others. She has been a marriage counseller and a Shariah scholar. This book is written from the point of view of marital counselling and if what’s written in this book is understood and implemented, then all marital problems that we have been talking about will go away. The book starts with the Hadith [Qudsi] “My love is incumbent upon those who love each other for My sake”. This hadith is always understood to mean brotherly or sisterly love in the community/ummah but this book showed me that this Hadith equally includes the love and mercy that must exist between a husband and a wife. This book is a must read for everyone - whether someone is considering/preparing for marriage or someone who has been married for a short or long time or someone who is trying to help others with their marital issues. Besides, this book, the same site ( http://www.thetraditionalpath.com ) has tons of audio CDs on spiritual guidance for ridding our souls of all negative, low, and evil qualities that can ruin one’s life including the marital life besides the afterlife. These CDs are from an eminent American Islamic scholar Shaykh Nuh Ha Mim Keller who besides being a Shariah scholar (translator of the best book of Fiqh in English “Reliance of the Traveller”
is also a spiritual guide whose mission in life is to purify the souls so that they become worthy of the Divine Presence. Please give this material a serious consideration and illumine your souls with the Divine Light that exists in this material. There is also a 3-CDs set on Islamic Marriage by Shaykh Nuh that covers both the rights and responsibilities of both wives and husbands, and for using a blissful marriage as a springboard for the journeying to Allah - not just in the afterlife but also in this very earthly life.
Forgot to mention that this site has some good material on spirituality: http://www.apeaceandspirituality.blogspot.com
Dear Brother/Sister,
I see lot of comments from women who feels muslim man treat women with less regards/like servent etc.
There are few things we need to learn about why divorce rate is high be is muslims or american in general.
Lack of Iman, belief in principles of marriage in islam. Once sister quoted just above that marriages are done just to get laid.
Once more sister commented marriage is done to take virginity of muslim girls.
Well in Islam the marriage itself means to fulfill your physical needs by making Nikah. So that clearly means one is getting married for having satisfy legally and socially acceptable by society.
Second, well if somene is getting married and is a never married person be a boy or girl it is assumed to be virgin but not guranteed when you are living in society where having a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school is a showoff culture.
Bottomline is girls and guys both have less compromising nature and they dont want to work towards their marriage.
You can’t just blame men for divorce rate.
Look at this way muslim men/women are human being like they are in any other religion. Since they dont have islamic teachings in their maritial lif. They do exactly same as what is happening is American Social system.
The stories in Air are mostly false as few of them are pretty stadard that the husband has an affair or very abusive. In my understanding its both ways.
Once should not destroy her marriage by just assuming things go to the level to find facts.
I know few of my friends their marriages were broken beacuse of money, interference from in laws
[...] and healthy relationships. These women are trying to do something that we have seen fail in those earlier movements. They are promoting a revolutionary agenda by being conservative and maintaining traditional [...]
It seems to me there is a great schism between old and new in Muslim marriage. The contract marriage described in the Quran is one in which the man’s job is to provide home and money and the woman is his servant. He makes decisions; she obeys. It’s nice if he asks her opinion, but it’s not necessary. He can do whatever he wants. He can order her to do whatever pleases him (short of disobeying God). If he fears her disobedience, he may punish her. In such a marriage, the woman’s job is to have babies and give the man creature comforts (sex, cooking, a clean house) in exchange for a roof over her head. She is not a friend, companion, or eager lover.
Women of today expect a marriage that includes love and affection and respect. But when her husband cites Islam and says, “Our religion gives me the right to make decisions, and you must do as I say,” she is shocked. Yes, this is Quranic marriage, but love and affection do not survive when one partner gives orders to the other. The woman is shocked to have her feelings put always in second place; the man is annoyed at his wife’s failure to obey as the Quran orders and later wonders why she is withdrawn and unhappy around him.
My point is: couples must choose before marriage. Do you want an old-style marriage of the leader-husband and servant wife? This has advantages (certainly for the male) — but the man must give up hoping that his wife will be his friend and love him for his own sake: this can’t be expected of a woman who is told to obey and serve. Or, do you want a modern marriage in which male and female are companions and lovers? In this case, the male must sacrifice his “right” to give orders and demand obedience and mete out punishment and make all decisions.
Both sides must agree from the outset on the rules of the game, or the marriage is doomed.
To clarify: I am not a scholar of Islam, and base much of what I know of Muslim marriage on the handbooks I’ve read (One is called “Social Obligations in Islam”). It is quoted, “The best wife is one who pleases her husband whenever he looks at her and obeys him whenever he bids her.” It is also said that one of the people not forgiven by God is a woman who “goes to bed while her husband is not pleased with her.” Also quoted is, “If I anyone should bow down to anyone, it is women who should bow to their husbands because of the relationship God has created between them.” And, “If a man calls to his wife [for sex], she should go to him even if she is at the oven.”
These paint a clear picture of a maritial relationship in which the male was boss and the female was a servant. That doesn’t mean women of the time were outraged over their condition — for in that era a woman expected nothing more than to serve and obey the male she had married.
The difficulty is that today’s women and men marry with the expectation of love and companionship, and after marriage the men — perhaps without even realizing what they’re demanding — superimpose the boss-and-servant model. It has to be one or the other. No woman can live a life of “obeying whenever he bids her” and still feel romantic love and friendship for the one who’s doing all this bidding!
Just a couple of questions,
does this 31% rate include those couples that just get engaged (i.e. they are islamically married but it is a celebate marriage or it is unregistered with the same), if thats the case, I’d bet that muslim divorce rate is just as high as the american divorce rate then…
Also, do you think its harder for a muslim brother to get married or a muslim sister? (i.e. which one is in more demand?)
WE SHOULD TURN BACK TO THE QURAN AND THE SUNNAH WITH THE PROPER UNDERSTANDING. I CANT REMEMBER WHERE THE HADITH WAS FROM OR ITS LEVEL OF AUTHENTICITY ” THE BEST AMONG YOU IS THE ONE WHO TREATS HIS WIFE WELL”. YES , A BIG PART OF MARRIAGE IS TO SATISFY OUR DESIRES IN A PERMISSABLE WAY, BUT ITS NOT ONLY THAT. LOOK HOW KADIJA (RA) WAS TO THE PROPHET (SAS) SHE WAS HIS SOUL MATE. A RELATION SHIP SHOULD INVOLVE SOME RESPECT, BROTHERS SHOULD PLAY WITH THEIR WIFES AND MAKE THEM KNOW HOW MUCH SHE MEANS. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER ALLAH BECAUSE IF THERE IS 1 SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING SHAYTAN LOVES TO COME AND INTERFER AND CAUSE DIVORCES. THE PROBLEMS WE AS A UMAH ARE FACING ARE DUE TO OUR OWN FAULTS.MAY ALLAH GUIDE US ALL.
Yep! What a screwed-up world this have became in recent years. There used to be a time where you would hear about couples staying together for over 25 years. Now look at marriages in the 21st century and it ’s so weird. It seems that people are having Hollywood style marriages: A five year marriage equals to 50 years of marital bliss in their book.
It seems that people only understand the images of marriages opposed to the reality of it. Marriage is a a second “job”. It takes patience, understanding and communication to make it work. It is not about one person, it is also about the the family( if your have kids). They( and vice versa) have to be nurtured in every way possible.
Marriage is not materalistic or imaginary. It seems that some people base their marriages on looks, money, the status quota, convience , on rebounds or because of what they Joneses are doing. Good marriages are based on the desires for wanting to be committed to each other. Sure, it’s ok if you love , but if you don’t know how to do it or not communicate and/or commit to each other , it may pose a big problem. Even if you’re in a marriage that are only based on those things, you can only be happy for so long before the truth will ( eg unhappiness) overtake you.
No matter how old we are or what society tell us what to do, but unless the spouses are in abusive relationships,( something I will not tolerate!), people should marry when they are not only ready to marry, but understand the true definition of it.
I agree with the person said on Feb 25th comment. Yeah marriages aren’t about money, looks, education, status, etc. I think the problem people have is the fact that they are taught by the western practices that love, romance, and feelings are what it takes for marriage to work. It’s nothing to do with that. It requires good foundations like values, respect, understanding, honesty, communication, trust, loyalty, devotion, and having God as their foundation in marriage. The problem today the fact that many people follow this dating thing, partying, women attracting women through wearing skimpy clothes, alcohol (making them having impaired judgement), having ex’s, some having sex, following tv shows and western reality shows. Also people who meet online think, they found their “soulmate” after talking with them for a short time or meet at a club. Some people even ask for friends judgment, friends can’t tell you who works for you and who doesn’t. Only your intermediate family. Online, hooking up people through friends or at clubs it just isn’t the right way. The people have the notion that person is it and get fixated on that person and rush into marriage. They say I Love you’s and get married. when things in marriage get challenging or they see the “real” person the flaws, bad habits, and all, Things change. Their view of that person changes and they look at the past and compare the person when they were in romantically in love and all. The problem is this dating, clubbing scene, fashion, alcohol, pressures from media and peers. I think people shouldn’t date. I mean let’s say a a 23 year old college girl dated 3 guys and when she turns 26 she’ll all “used” up and she picks up bad habits like drinking, bad friends, etc. When she gets married, she has all this garbage habits and it prevents her to making good decisions. The possibilty of her becoming alcoholic is a great chance, cheating with her old flames, and just not carrying for her duties at home and such. Her ex’s may have also been physically intimate with her kissing, possible sex, and all. In marriage, she has nothing special to offer to her husband, because she given the intimacy to her ex’s. I think this western culture really is corrupting eastern people. I just people shouldn’t date and just stay single and clean. Don’t ruin yourself with these negative practices of western culture.
Correction…
women attracting men through wearing skimpy clothes.
I think people should stay single and when they are ready for marriage look for people in positive environments like worship places, formal events like weddings, asking help from good people like family, relatives, elders, and all, and most importantly ask God for a spouse that makes your match.
Alot of people don’t ask for God’s help and they should and pray always and make yourself into a better person in the meantime while being single and searching. It’s also important to know the flaws and good side of the person and their family. I think the reason why people divorce rate is high too because people marry for the wrong reasons and when they see others hitched, they rush into it too. Also it’s also to show off to people thing too these days like its some competition or something. Boasting about their marriage and engagement. Like it’s some popularity game or something. Like you see on Facebook. It’s just terrible.
I say follow your values or use your religion. Listen to positive people like leaders of your worship place and all. Don’t listen to your peers, media, and all.
Follow God and good people.
It’s better to wait for your spouse. Don’t do this garabage like dating. It’s not worth it. In the end, you will come out better and have a martial bliss.
Though it’s hard not to date due to pressures from people and media, but ask God to be your strength. Make your promise to him that you will keep clean and not date to God.
You might not like dating, but the other end of that extreme is Muslims who have had very little contact with the opposite sex, all of a sudden end up in marriage having ZERO experience of how to deal with their partner. You can criticize ‘western’ type relationships all you want, but if you think that the divorce rates are any better in our own communities, think again. It has nothing to do with dating, it has to do with placing a GIANT emphasis on sexual purity, but no emphasis on how to deal with the opposite sex. I’m not saying we should all go out and have a bunch of relationships, but I gotta say that as a Muslim male we are extremely immature when it comes to relationships, mostly due to inexperience and irrelevant attitudes about ‘HONOUR’ and ‘SEXUAL IMPURITY’.
I also find comments about women who’ve been relationships before their current relationship are somehow ‘used’. What about good Muslim women who have been married previously where the relationship didn’t work out for whatever reason? Are they somehow ‘used’? There are exactly ZERO rules in Islam that say a woman should be a virgin before she is married. There are rules about being chaste outside of marriage (for women AND men by the way), that’s it. Why is it that a man who has previously been in a relationship isn’t ‘used’?
I agree with samia, this culture of dating and having sex before marriage is destroying the foundations of marriage and the purity of human soles. When I immigrated years ago to North America as a young man I have repelled and started dating western girls. I ended drinking more and losing respect to myself day after another. When I reached the age of 29 I said now is time to slow down and think about getting married. Some of my friends get married to old fashion way and it seems is working very well for them. I in the other hand started dating this European girl, though she wasn’t a Muslim she showed good quality that I couldn’t ignore. I won’t say I loved her but I showed her a lot of respect and I thought as long as she respects my religion I ill respect hers. I had quit dirking and going out before I even meet her. I started practiced my religion, so we get married and had a beautiful daughter who changed my whole life. I showed my wife a lot of respect, I worked hard to provide for my family, and I spent most of my time with them. But her past was bothering me; though I had a past too. I told her from the start that the past should stay in the past. Two years after the marriage, she changed and she complained a lot that I don’t love her as much as she loves me and that I’m a cold guy. I kept treating with tender and respect and was a good husband all the way. But she took my love, respect, loyalty and deduction to my religion as a weakness. I caught a few old pictures with her ex`s boyfriends in her possession and reminded her that this is wrong and is going to affect our relationship and marriage. Also she quit her school and job and started demanding more materialistic things. She ignored her duties as a wife, coming home to find no food, I have to iron my cloths, and all she was doing is chatting in the internet with her friends and talking about the old days. Things want badly between us but said I should be passion for the sake of my daughter because I did not want her to grow up in a different religion and away from me. Though we have agreed that the kids will be raised 100% as Muslims, She started using my daughter as a weapon against me. she knew my much i love my child and kept reminding of her past and this killed the last drop of respect and love I had for this woman. So we separated, few months later she released her lose, she phoned and reminded me of how much she loves me and asked if I can forgive her and come back but I refused because brothers and sisters my dignity comes first. People talk about love in the west like is a candy. Now as a divorced man, all I’m looking for is getting married the old fashion way, I let my family pick a god fearing, religious bride for me and all I want is loyalty, purity and life with dignity and respect.
Since, 2000 I seen a increase in divorce among people. Today’s definition of love and marriage what people think it is, is no where near the true meaning that you find in the Holy Book. God’s definition of love, family, marriage, and self worth is the truth. If people follow that, you would see and live by the truth.
The gentleman before in the comments said his wife left him. You know my cousin’s ex husband left her, because he was having an affair with his old gf from the past. He would come home late and would say to my cousin he ate after coming home from work. he would be always eating at his gf’s house. She found out after continous unsual actions. One day, he eloped with his gf and the gf told my cousin she was an unfit wife and all which wasn’t true. My cousin was educated, beautiful, had values, and done arrange marriage. The gf was making all these things up for her and his wrong actions. My cousin had to divorce this man added he got his gf pregnant. It was the most ugly situation I seen this was in 2000. Since, then I been seeing many situations of divorce.
I think today. dating has become like a fashion. I see many girls that date these guys found in colleges, high school, clubs, and online. It seems even 12 year olds want to date and look sexy. The environment and negative culture of America is ripping away traditions and values of cultures. Today everything is becoming modern and all.
I hear people having lavish wedding costing from $25,000-100,000 weddings these dream weddings, but some of these people divorce in 6mon-4 years. The divorce problem is worldwide.
The term I am in love thing is a hogwash these days because people follow and practice the western definition of love and marriage. People don’t know what true love is or soul mate. God’s definition of that is what people need to follow. Follow God and ask for his help and give you wisdom.
You’ll be surprised how many invitations, thank you cards, that I have at home and how many that gotten a divorce. it is shocking.
Today, people are about showing off, boasting about success, after money/beauty, and all.
I see many couples and good number of them are like fake. I wouldn’t be surprised if they get into a divorce because they got married for the wrong reasons for status, money, beauty, feelings that they are in love and showing off.
In 5- 15 years we will see a sharp increase in divorce.
Alot of people date too much and have a past. added people’s definition of love and marriage is not truth. People fall in love and when that love dies, it leaves people in hard situations. Many think dating and marriage are similar. It’s not. That’s why some marry people that they would pick up at a club or something or college sweetheart, It really does hurt many in the future.
I just think people should stay single and when they are ready for marriage look for good person. Ask help from parents and good people. Ask God’s help. Pray and listen to God. Get advice from good people like religious leaders, elders, etc.
I can tell you, though many do get married and have these nice weddings and having a nice diamond ring too, but the truth is many do divorce later on.
Many dream about their wedding day and whom they marry. Instead of dreaming that, ask God to transform you in a Godly way and pray that God will lead you to a Godly person. that’s what we all should be praying and dreaming about than the wedding day.
In, my cousin’s situation the ex husband and old gf came back together and destroyed my cousin’s marriage. I mean, you never know if an old flame from past or ex’s can still have feelings or reignite the feelings. Some people even break their old ex’s marriage because they are jealous or have ill feelings for their ex. They come into the life and give troubles.
It’s very important if you have dated or had physical relations to come clean to the person you plan to marry before marriage. Don’t let the past haunt you. It’s important to come clean and then get married. So their are no issues or lack of trust.
Yeah, I see so some people that have pictures of their ex’s in their computers and such. I think people should move on and all. Destroy the pictures.
I think that big time the negatives of western life has hurt foreign countries and it’s people
Why of course! Blame the West for bad marriages. Hmmmm, how many times Ibn Battuta married? What about societies like Northern Nigeria where divorce was common? Americans are less likely to cheat than some other societies. I know Africans men have an estimated rate of 60-something percent compared to America’s 30-something.
Can it be a simple explanation that your cousin married a low down, two-timing creep? No, but we can explain the corrupting influence of the West. Why is this so easy despite the fact that these problems existed for over a thousand years. You can find some fatwah and qadi rulings in historical records with some sordid stories throughout the ages.